The other day I turned to Cynthia, when she came home from work and said;
“ Hi my name is Michael and I suffer from depression ... a matter of fact I have suffered from depression all of my life”.
I think it is very interesting how God has healed me of so many things like loneliness, that had plagued me all my life as well as various fears from my childhood, yet my depression continues to be a daily battle. Those people that go around proclaiming that Christianity is all joy and prosperity need a serious chill pill, then they need to come out of the closet by telling the truth of how they really feel. Don't get me wrong, I have had some amazing times as a Christian but not because I dumped a load of hard earned money on some TV preachers lap who was already swimming in green acres.
If money could truly bring happiness, then the suicide rate at which some rich people kill themselves at would be none existent. My heart went out to Robin Williams, I could so relate to him; he was a guy, who as far as we could all see looked out for others. For many of us, he was a childhood friend but in the end he succumbed to a serious bout of depression. I did not know him personally but I cried when I heard of his untimely death.
Some days I don't want to get out of bed, but I do, Cynthia needs her coffee :). I can pray for others and see Jesus set them free from illness and a whole variety of other things, yet for some reason this hound dog of depression still follows my scent. Oh how I wish somebody else would blow a horn he could harken to and pound after.
Some of the the most famous writers suffered greatly from depression..eg.. Earnest Hemingway. When I read a Farewell to Arms I was mad at him for killing off a wonderful romance. Then when I read about his life, it all made sense; like me, a kid of an alcoholic sabotaging a good romance by throwing a wrench into a perfectly good engine. The man was never truly happy, he sought happiness in relationships. I know only too well that's not where it lies, sure don't get me wrong, I love Cynthia but even she cannot satisfy all my needs. I genuinely love Jesus more than life it self and yet He whom I have given my life to has chosen, for reasons known only to himself and father God, to leave me with this irritating dilemma. I guess you could say it keeps me coming back to him for help; ask any of my close fiends, they will tell you I need a lot of help.
And yet here I am; living in paradise with the perfect climate and an incredible soul mate, who puts up with me. To me that's the greatest example of Gods love to someone like me, giving me someone who loves me unconditionally. Cynthia deserves the Victoria Cross and the Purple heart.
I'm not looking for sympathy, just having a rant and hopefully someone who thinks that christians have it easy, will realize that we go through the same crap; with the difference that we have hope in Jesus. Any guy that will go through the most severe torture of suffocation on a cross for an Irish guy like me, is sure worthy of me standing up and paying attention!
In The words of Robin Williams “Merry friggin Christmas!”